Things Aren’t Always What they Appear to Be
We know that on some level, yet if you’re like me, I get lulled into believing the narrow image we may see of people in daily interactions and curated Facebook posts.
It’s been a while since I’ve written something vulnerable on here. To be honest, life’s unexpected events, and shame have kept me from showing the whole picture, the parts that have consumed me.
It’s been a year of big and even exciting changes in my life. Leaving Ottawa after 8 great years, and finding our new home in charming little Fergus, Ontario, exploring Southern Ontario, hiking, glorious time in nature, quality time with family and friends, continuing my Breathwork studies, etc. I have so much to be grateful for, and all of that has really been amazing and the bright spots.
It’s also been a year of loss and grieving, with the passing of my beloved Dad and cousin Sylvie. The losses I haven’t shared are the ones that shook me to my core, consumed me and left me struggling with the darkest year of my life.
As most of you know by now, I had a significant burnout in the fall of 2018. After 9 months of time off in recovery, I attempted a gradual return to work at the House of Commons in the summer of 2019 but quickly saw that I didn’t have the mental, emotional or physical capacity for the work. All of my symptoms returned, although gradually. Feeling very defeated, I was again put off work as the Pandemic hit. I took more time to heal and continued to do the inner work of getting to the root of this, looking at my part in these patterns of burnout. After 9 more months off work, I attempted another return to work in September 2020. This time, I tried a new job, with Statistics Canada, and chose to do 3 days a week only.
Maybe a new environment, responsibilities and part-time workload would help support and sustain me in this return to work? That didn’t work either… Within a month of working I began to see my symptoms arise again. Work that had once been easy or second nature, even exciting, now felt like the impossible.
My brain didn’t work anymore. The thing I relied on my whole life to achieve, produce and contribute felt broken beyond repair.
My capacity to handle even little stressors or responsibilities reduced week by week. My hopes of having “fixed” this burnout “problem” were dashed. I tried everything I could think of to get through this. Despite regular therapy and healing practices, by the second month, I was so full of anxiety again that I couldn’t sleep at night, even with sleep meds, and walked through my days on the verge of tears, with a serious inability to focus, or produce anything, filled with dread of admitting any of this to my Doctor. I was breaking down emotionally, mentally and physically. By January of 2021, I was put on leave again.
I was put on permanent long-term disability. What?…this couldn’t be ME.
How did this happen and why haven’t I yet figured this out yet?…
The following months were filled with feelings of shame, anger, bargaining, sorrow and grief. Even if somewhere inside I know (or have hope) that I will regain my capacity for meaningful work someday, I felt overwhelmed with grief. It became clear to me in my gut that I may never be able to return to this type of work. That I need to believe my body when it speaks to me, so consistently. That the depression and anxiety that had fuelled my repeated burnouts were something who’s healing timeframe I don’t control.
I felt defeated, like my health and capacity for this type of work were taken from me, without my consent. I felt as if my very identity as a professional, as someone productive and capable had been stripped away. A career I had spent decades building and loving was gone in the blink of an eye. I felt lost in sadness, the unknown and the sickness, aimless, overwhelmed and without my usual hopefulness. It wasn’t long before I descended into a place of deep depression, shame and growing isolation.
It has by far been one of the most challenging, heartbreaking and humbling years of my life. I am learning to live with all of this, and discover who I really am when stripped from the layers I learned to rely on to find value and love in the world.
I don’t have any big solutions or happy endings to offer (yet) folks ;) The tumultuous journey of acceptance, surrender healing and renewal continues for me.
On my good days, I know this is simply life offering me an opportunity to fully heal, and leading me to a truer and more beautiful version of me.
Now you might be wondering why I’m sharing all of this…I know. It’s heavy.
I share it for my own healing first, for my emotional freedom, for my not so shiny truth to be given a tiny space to exist, a voice to be heard in the light of day, rather than under its preferred cloak of darkness and despair.
I share it because we’ve all experienced change and loss these last two years. Of loved ones, jobs, relationships, life circumstances, connection, beloved routines, freedom, space to breathe, of our own wellness and brightness. I want you to know that you’re not alone, that I can probably relate on some level, and that your feelings are real and deserve to be acknowledged and expressed, no matter how messy they feel.
For me, expressing it is the starting point of healing, of relieving even just a bit, the suffering that comes from pain and loss.
If you’re also struggling in some way, two things I wish for you are to…
Name your truth, share your feelings honestly with those you love, a journal, or anyone you feel safe with. Ask for the help and support you need.
Offer yourself grace for the struggles you’re living. Life was apparently never meant to be just brightness. The darkness feels less dark when I surrender to it. When I stop fighting it so damn hard and remember it as a normal and expected part of being fully human, I find my breath again.
I’ll be sharing more from my experience of recovering from burnout, living with mental illness, and re-imagining what’s next in the hopes that it can help alleviate even an ounce of the loneliness felt in someone else’s struggles, or a spoonful of hope on your path.
Love,
Char
